Self Esteem

Have you ever thought in your head that you must look okay and then caught a look at yourself in the mirror. Or the screen suddenly goes black on the TV and you see your reflection. You think to yourself 'Is that really me?'

I try so hard to look my best, which is pretty hard considering what I got lumped with. I'm good at using photography in my favour...you know like photoshop or just ajusting colours and sharpness to make me look better. But in actual fact if I took a bog standard picture of myself all you would ever see is a painted face.

And I need that paint or else I feel like i'll be judged.

It was floating round my mind last night as I lay in bed, feeling ill any way and so not 100%...but it floated around and I suddenly realised that I need to trade myself in for a new model.

Like take 2.

I want to start over. I want to reajust myself like on the SIMs. Lame I know but I still want to do that.

I'd not make myself into this perfect model type figure, of course not. I don't want that . But i'd like to remove some parts of me, some extra parts of me.

I'd change my hair and make it nicer. I'd remove some weight. I know most girls moan about that in their lives even if they are beautiful tanned and toned specimens. Well I'm not. I've been told I was pretty. I've been told I was beautiful. But it's not until you believe it in yourself that I think you can truely be deemed either of those. Because even if to some one i'm pretty I am ugly underneath because I don't believe.

I've been called Body Armor Becky before because I don't like compliments, and that's because I don't understand why people give them to me.

So I'm me.

And I still want to be me.

Just a better me.