Being the 'best friend'

I have found that throughout my life it is best to give happiness to others rather than keep it all for yourself. It is difficult to find a balance however and you often find that either you shun others due to your happy persona or you attract them for a time, but once they've taken it all they are happy enough to leave. This is a very poorly structured explanation, but then it is 3.16am and I do have to be up in around 4 hours. 

But with this in mind it is obvious to see how I have become the typical 'best friend'. I offer my care and support to whom ever needs it and I expect nothing or very little in return. I have yet to find someone who I can leech off. So men and women come my way and I reach out to them, I help them, but I'm never more than a 'best friend', never seen in a romantic light. People don't want me to be that to them. I'm the one they cry on, stress to and get a good meal from. Nothing more. I encourage it of course as I don't want to be seen as anything but a genuinely caring person because in fact this is who I want to be. I am content to live this way....but (yes there is a but) just once or twice I'd like to be sought out and cherished. 

I have my stressy moments or my difficult times like everyone else, and it's interesting to note that in those times I seem to lose 50% of my friendship base. Because in those times I am no use to anyone. I am simply selfish for not being the obliging person I normally am. 

There is no one without fault and I know, and if you've read some of my previous posts you will have seen, that I am full of self doubt, egotistical manners (ironic juxtaposition there), selfish thoughts and a sense of over estimation.

It's so quiet here. It's unusual for student living which I fondly refer to now as 'home'. But it makes me feel lonely. The pressure is already on and the bitching has already begun. I find I'm weary of it already and it's only my first week of my first year. I hope it eases, I'm sure it will. 

So yes! In conclusion I am someone you can walk all over and yet I will rarely complain. I forgive too easily and I can't bare conflict and so I am deemed weak. Oh joy. 

xxxxx

Let's move on to a new life...

Hello! 

This is officially the first post since I have been away from home and this means that I've been far too busy for all of you. Right. I suppose I should explain to those of you who do not know me or have read my previous posts that I have just embarked on the wonderful journey of joining University life. And yes...I am loving it. 

I admit that whilst writig this I am slightly tipsy, although i'm actually more hyper than drunk. It's what these crazy people here do to me. 

I am living in a flat with three other singers and they are all lovely. So lovely in fact that I rarely want to go to sleep as we talk and talk until we are so tired we fall asleep in my room practically. Today was a bit of a slob day as I had no talks or classes. So instead I spent the majority of the time setting up my internet and then everyone else's internet. Subsequently I have become the in house techie and people think that I'll just be able to solve all their computer woes. Of course I'm no miracle worker but I've not failed yet (touch wood). 

As well as lovely girls there are lovely boys...yes...very lovely boys. I do not claim to not be looking at sexy men and not thinking that they are sexy mofo's. Lol. This is where the drunken side of me starts to show. 

Uni life though...goodness. It all seems so complicated but i'm sure I'll get used to it. I do not deny that my time table scares the living shit out of me. It looks more like a GCSE timetable. I have barely any free time and any free time I do get i'm expected to be practicing. This really test my willpower and so i'm going to have to learn how to balance work and play. 

Shall I tell you about some of the people? Might as well since there is so much noise coming through my window from the drunken social team. 

Firstly my flat mates. 

Gordon: Sweetest boy on earth, older than me, likes a laugh, can be serious, a really good listener and just lovely. 

Josh: Don't see him as much as the others, friendly, good hugs, funny and up for a good time.

Kat: Lovely, lovely, lovely, a bit mental, quite wacky (as all the best of us are) and a soprano which says it all really :p

Other people:

Bruce: MY SANITY!!!!! And a beautiful pianist. If he could reduce me to tears with Rachmaninov then he must be amazing. He's also the person I want to be closest too. He understands me and unlike a lot of people here he's very grounded and doesn't talk over you constantly. 

Johan: American. And sweet with it of course. 

etc etc...

I could go on forever...

Ruth, Meinir, Gwen, Rhiannon, Charlie, Stuart, Jack, Ruth, Gemma, NINA!!!! Nina is lovely and incredible and a wonderfully intelligent and strong person. I lover her!

Right...bed time? I'll try...

xxxxx

Health

Oh jeez..
You'd think that England was a pretty nice place as you can normally avoid most diseases that come from water, insects blah blah blah.

But nooooooooooo.
Maybe i'm just unlucky.
It has been a bit of a run of bad luck for me recently health wise. Typical.
As a singer I depend upon my voice and health being in relatively good shape. Therefore it aggravates me when it mucks up. It tends to do this at least once a year on the one week I want it to be a good girl. EYSM week. For those of you who are reading this thinking 'WTF is EYSM?' EYSM is a week where lots of musicians group together in a lovely residence and play music or sing etc etc or play cricket for a week. It all sounds very middle class when I describe it like that but really it's just teenagers let loose on Beethoven. Fun times. Well I go there to sing and for the past two years my voice has died on that one week. Bad timing.

Well it's not my voice that has died now - touch wood - it is my leg.
I have a history in my family of Cellulitus (look it up) and then Necrotizing Faceitus (sp.) which is commonly know as the 'flesh eating' disease. Yummy. Well I don't have that but I have a mild strain of the first one and therefore my GP has put me on these blasted pills that are making me so very sleepy during the day but wide awake when darkness falls *cue eerie music*

So yeah...i'm a bit annoyed about the fact that when I walk I rattle. Such is life.

****

Change of topic now.

MEN!
Yes.
We love to hate them don't we :D
I've gone off men recently. No doubt that will reverse itself in time. But for now let me just say that you men can be such a bunch of hedonistic, arrogant, presumptuous, ego focused players! Maybe it's just this area that I live in...maybe not. But you seem to be popping up more than usual in my life. Maybe I attract that kind of man because I give them a healthy dose of reality every now and then. Who knows. But if you do think you fulfill any of the above criteria and feel that you need to be shot down from your little cloud then please apply within.

****

So yeah...i'm off to new grounds in 12 days. Scary. But needed I feel.
It's not that I feel trapped or isolated by where I am presently; I just think I am in need of a change. I do regret leaving some people behind me, but where there are people i'll always make new friends and therefore I revel in the chance to expand my social circle and join a new community.

For now though I must try to ween myself off the screen and into bed, although this may prove slightly difficult. Wish me luck as I wish you happiness.

xxx

p.s i'm so digging the Salmon font :p