Death

What do you think happens?

Is it for the best?

How do you support those who suffer afterwards?

What is the reason for it?

I have my own answers to all of these questions. 

What are yours?

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Complications of the...

Hello.

It's me, the calm and wonderful Becky. I've returned for a rather weird holiday. I apologise that this me has been absent from your lives and that instead you were forced to deal with the rather atrocious and scary MWARGH side of me. But mini-crisis is now over = a good thing.

So I hope people have been well in my absence. If you have been ill, physically or mentally in any shape or form then this saddens me greatly and I hope that you shall rectify the problem soon. 

I've realised that I KNOW when I like someone. It's more obvious than I thought it would be and I think I can start to read the signs now. This is therefore a big step for Becky. 

I like to collage. It's a weird hobby but it makes me calm down. I just get old magazines etc and cut out pictures that I like the look at. Then I find a space where I can place something, assess the size and GO! For example. I love the fact that my bedroom has two massive pin boards on it. One is above my desk is about 1 1/2 A4 pieces of paper tall and 12 long, the other board is 2 by 8 - so slightly smaller in length. But these both are now covered. I then got post-it notes and stuck these everywhere with happy slogans on them. My favourite is my own creation: The glass is half full...I drank the other half (it was yummy). 

Anyway...Ooops. I have to be up in 5 hours 30 minutes. JOY FOR MOVEMENT CLASS! 

Goodnight my darlings. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx + 4,000,000,000,000 more...

Argh!

So...yeah. Kill me now if you please?

I'm a horrible person. I'm awful. I'm not a tease and I don't lead people on. I'm naturally very affectionate to friends, that's just me. I want friends. I don't want complicated. This is complicated. I also want sleep, but noooooooooo, I can't have that either. 

I wish there was an easy way to say this. I really do. I HATE HURTING PEOPLE! 

And it's not even my fault. 

I'm not everything people say I am! I'm not this perfect little being. Of course I'm not! I've got wobbles and disfigurements inside out too. 

Blindness.

I'm actually ripped apart by this. 

I've never been in this situation. And I don't understand myself. I wish I did. 

I'd be lucky if it all just blew over, but this IS my life we're talking about and nothing is ever simple. 

Right. 

Bed. 

Fuck. 

Shit.

etc etc (insert more horrible words here)

xxxxx

The difficult choice...

To be adored, to be loved...

These are things we want to be. And yet what happens when you are and yet you lack the capacity to love back? Do you pretend and hope that the feelings will resolve themselves into ones that are more appropriate for the situation, or do you just ignore them? 

As a very loving person I had never thought that this dilemma would face me. And yet here it is. 

A wonderful, intelligent, handsome young man and me unable at the present moment to understand the feelings he so happily shows towards me. I feel like a terrible person. So I get some space and I think about it over and over, nearly all the time actually. 

Is it something about him that puts me off? I don't think so. 

There is that awful line that men stereotypically use on females 'it's not you, it's me' - but I think that actually applies here. There is something bizarre going on in my mind and I can't explain it because it's never happened to me before. 

Maybe this is the problem, maybe I'm just not used to striking gold and so when it is dangled in front of my face I am so confused. 

I hope this eases, and I hope it's for the better. I complain about always being the friend, but when someone actually does want me...I want to be the friend? 

Conclusion being that I am strange and should be shot.

Good Night

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