Self Esteem

Have you ever thought in your head that you must look okay and then caught a look at yourself in the mirror. Or the screen suddenly goes black on the TV and you see your reflection. You think to yourself 'Is that really me?'

I try so hard to look my best, which is pretty hard considering what I got lumped with. I'm good at using photography in my favour...you know like photoshop or just ajusting colours and sharpness to make me look better. But in actual fact if I took a bog standard picture of myself all you would ever see is a painted face.

And I need that paint or else I feel like i'll be judged.

It was floating round my mind last night as I lay in bed, feeling ill any way and so not 100%...but it floated around and I suddenly realised that I need to trade myself in for a new model.

Like take 2.

I want to start over. I want to reajust myself like on the SIMs. Lame I know but I still want to do that.

I'd not make myself into this perfect model type figure, of course not. I don't want that . But i'd like to remove some parts of me, some extra parts of me.

I'd change my hair and make it nicer. I'd remove some weight. I know most girls moan about that in their lives even if they are beautiful tanned and toned specimens. Well I'm not. I've been told I was pretty. I've been told I was beautiful. But it's not until you believe it in yourself that I think you can truely be deemed either of those. Because even if to some one i'm pretty I am ugly underneath because I don't believe.

I've been called Body Armor Becky before because I don't like compliments, and that's because I don't understand why people give them to me.

So I'm me.

And I still want to be me.

Just a better me.

I will most definitely not be able to sleep tonight. Alas. And I have tutoring tomorrow. Even more alas.

I tutor Japanese by the way. Not very well I think but it seems to help.

But I have 16 people galavanting around my house at the moment and therefore will be unable to sleep much. Oh shame.

Wish me luck :'(

Good Morning

So whenever I start something new up I post like crazy for a couple of days and then I forget about it for about a year and finally drag myself back. Oh joy is me.

So last night I finally managed to pull myself into bed at around 1.30 after doing a bit of tidying around the house. I then spent a good hour with fine liners and black pen doodling this pretty little flower picture...finally I got bored.

SLEEP!

But then I was so paranoid i'd not wake up in time to wash, get dressed, eat and make myself look vaguely respectable that I woke myself up ever half hour from 7.30 onwards.

I can't remember exactly what I dreamt about. All I know is that it involved a journey and a few nicely placed bushes for me to hide behind. Thank you imagination from saving me from bandits.

It's time now for me to go. Probably best before I start waffling.

This'll never work...

When I can't sleep I think of many things.

I can't sleep.

It's only 11.44pm I know. But I still know I'll not sleep.

I'm stupid and try to sleep during the day when I'm tired.

They tell you to sleep when you're tired or else your body will start to malfunction.
Mine didn't.

So I carried on. This means I now sleep late into the day, for a bit in the afternoon and never in the night. It all seems rather confusing but I suppose if I manage to do what I need to and survive then it's a way of life.

I used to try counting sheep when I was younger as this has been a long standing problem.
My problem is that I got emotionally attached to my sheep.

I'd name them. And then make up a life story. Now for some people this would do the trick and send them to sleep. For me it had the opposite effect.

So I don't count sheep any more.

I'm going to blog instead in the hope that I'll bore myself to sleep. Forgive me if this blog turns into a steady stream of hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh's this means that I've fallen asleep on the keyboard.