Death

What do you think happens?

Is it for the best?

How do you support those who suffer afterwards?

What is the reason for it?

I have my own answers to all of these questions. 

What are yours?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Complications of the...

Hello.

It's me, the calm and wonderful Becky. I've returned for a rather weird holiday. I apologise that this me has been absent from your lives and that instead you were forced to deal with the rather atrocious and scary MWARGH side of me. But mini-crisis is now over = a good thing.

So I hope people have been well in my absence. If you have been ill, physically or mentally in any shape or form then this saddens me greatly and I hope that you shall rectify the problem soon. 

I've realised that I KNOW when I like someone. It's more obvious than I thought it would be and I think I can start to read the signs now. This is therefore a big step for Becky. 

I like to collage. It's a weird hobby but it makes me calm down. I just get old magazines etc and cut out pictures that I like the look at. Then I find a space where I can place something, assess the size and GO! For example. I love the fact that my bedroom has two massive pin boards on it. One is above my desk is about 1 1/2 A4 pieces of paper tall and 12 long, the other board is 2 by 8 - so slightly smaller in length. But these both are now covered. I then got post-it notes and stuck these everywhere with happy slogans on them. My favourite is my own creation: The glass is half full...I drank the other half (it was yummy). 

Anyway...Ooops. I have to be up in 5 hours 30 minutes. JOY FOR MOVEMENT CLASS! 

Goodnight my darlings. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx + 4,000,000,000,000 more...

Argh!

So...yeah. Kill me now if you please?

I'm a horrible person. I'm awful. I'm not a tease and I don't lead people on. I'm naturally very affectionate to friends, that's just me. I want friends. I don't want complicated. This is complicated. I also want sleep, but noooooooooo, I can't have that either. 

I wish there was an easy way to say this. I really do. I HATE HURTING PEOPLE! 

And it's not even my fault. 

I'm not everything people say I am! I'm not this perfect little being. Of course I'm not! I've got wobbles and disfigurements inside out too. 

Blindness.

I'm actually ripped apart by this. 

I've never been in this situation. And I don't understand myself. I wish I did. 

I'd be lucky if it all just blew over, but this IS my life we're talking about and nothing is ever simple. 

Right. 

Bed. 

Fuck. 

Shit.

etc etc (insert more horrible words here)

xxxxx

The difficult choice...

To be adored, to be loved...

These are things we want to be. And yet what happens when you are and yet you lack the capacity to love back? Do you pretend and hope that the feelings will resolve themselves into ones that are more appropriate for the situation, or do you just ignore them? 

As a very loving person I had never thought that this dilemma would face me. And yet here it is. 

A wonderful, intelligent, handsome young man and me unable at the present moment to understand the feelings he so happily shows towards me. I feel like a terrible person. So I get some space and I think about it over and over, nearly all the time actually. 

Is it something about him that puts me off? I don't think so. 

There is that awful line that men stereotypically use on females 'it's not you, it's me' - but I think that actually applies here. There is something bizarre going on in my mind and I can't explain it because it's never happened to me before. 

Maybe this is the problem, maybe I'm just not used to striking gold and so when it is dangled in front of my face I am so confused. 

I hope this eases, and I hope it's for the better. I complain about always being the friend, but when someone actually does want me...I want to be the friend? 

Conclusion being that I am strange and should be shot.

Good Night

xxxxxxxxxx

Being the 'best friend'

I have found that throughout my life it is best to give happiness to others rather than keep it all for yourself. It is difficult to find a balance however and you often find that either you shun others due to your happy persona or you attract them for a time, but once they've taken it all they are happy enough to leave. This is a very poorly structured explanation, but then it is 3.16am and I do have to be up in around 4 hours. 

But with this in mind it is obvious to see how I have become the typical 'best friend'. I offer my care and support to whom ever needs it and I expect nothing or very little in return. I have yet to find someone who I can leech off. So men and women come my way and I reach out to them, I help them, but I'm never more than a 'best friend', never seen in a romantic light. People don't want me to be that to them. I'm the one they cry on, stress to and get a good meal from. Nothing more. I encourage it of course as I don't want to be seen as anything but a genuinely caring person because in fact this is who I want to be. I am content to live this way....but (yes there is a but) just once or twice I'd like to be sought out and cherished. 

I have my stressy moments or my difficult times like everyone else, and it's interesting to note that in those times I seem to lose 50% of my friendship base. Because in those times I am no use to anyone. I am simply selfish for not being the obliging person I normally am. 

There is no one without fault and I know, and if you've read some of my previous posts you will have seen, that I am full of self doubt, egotistical manners (ironic juxtaposition there), selfish thoughts and a sense of over estimation.

It's so quiet here. It's unusual for student living which I fondly refer to now as 'home'. But it makes me feel lonely. The pressure is already on and the bitching has already begun. I find I'm weary of it already and it's only my first week of my first year. I hope it eases, I'm sure it will. 

So yes! In conclusion I am someone you can walk all over and yet I will rarely complain. I forgive too easily and I can't bare conflict and so I am deemed weak. Oh joy. 

xxxxx

Let's move on to a new life...

Hello! 

This is officially the first post since I have been away from home and this means that I've been far too busy for all of you. Right. I suppose I should explain to those of you who do not know me or have read my previous posts that I have just embarked on the wonderful journey of joining University life. And yes...I am loving it. 

I admit that whilst writig this I am slightly tipsy, although i'm actually more hyper than drunk. It's what these crazy people here do to me. 

I am living in a flat with three other singers and they are all lovely. So lovely in fact that I rarely want to go to sleep as we talk and talk until we are so tired we fall asleep in my room practically. Today was a bit of a slob day as I had no talks or classes. So instead I spent the majority of the time setting up my internet and then everyone else's internet. Subsequently I have become the in house techie and people think that I'll just be able to solve all their computer woes. Of course I'm no miracle worker but I've not failed yet (touch wood). 

As well as lovely girls there are lovely boys...yes...very lovely boys. I do not claim to not be looking at sexy men and not thinking that they are sexy mofo's. Lol. This is where the drunken side of me starts to show. 

Uni life though...goodness. It all seems so complicated but i'm sure I'll get used to it. I do not deny that my time table scares the living shit out of me. It looks more like a GCSE timetable. I have barely any free time and any free time I do get i'm expected to be practicing. This really test my willpower and so i'm going to have to learn how to balance work and play. 

Shall I tell you about some of the people? Might as well since there is so much noise coming through my window from the drunken social team. 

Firstly my flat mates. 

Gordon: Sweetest boy on earth, older than me, likes a laugh, can be serious, a really good listener and just lovely. 

Josh: Don't see him as much as the others, friendly, good hugs, funny and up for a good time.

Kat: Lovely, lovely, lovely, a bit mental, quite wacky (as all the best of us are) and a soprano which says it all really :p

Other people:

Bruce: MY SANITY!!!!! And a beautiful pianist. If he could reduce me to tears with Rachmaninov then he must be amazing. He's also the person I want to be closest too. He understands me and unlike a lot of people here he's very grounded and doesn't talk over you constantly. 

Johan: American. And sweet with it of course. 

etc etc...

I could go on forever...

Ruth, Meinir, Gwen, Rhiannon, Charlie, Stuart, Jack, Ruth, Gemma, NINA!!!! Nina is lovely and incredible and a wonderfully intelligent and strong person. I lover her!

Right...bed time? I'll try...

xxxxx

Health

Oh jeez..
You'd think that England was a pretty nice place as you can normally avoid most diseases that come from water, insects blah blah blah.

But nooooooooooo.
Maybe i'm just unlucky.
It has been a bit of a run of bad luck for me recently health wise. Typical.
As a singer I depend upon my voice and health being in relatively good shape. Therefore it aggravates me when it mucks up. It tends to do this at least once a year on the one week I want it to be a good girl. EYSM week. For those of you who are reading this thinking 'WTF is EYSM?' EYSM is a week where lots of musicians group together in a lovely residence and play music or sing etc etc or play cricket for a week. It all sounds very middle class when I describe it like that but really it's just teenagers let loose on Beethoven. Fun times. Well I go there to sing and for the past two years my voice has died on that one week. Bad timing.

Well it's not my voice that has died now - touch wood - it is my leg.
I have a history in my family of Cellulitus (look it up) and then Necrotizing Faceitus (sp.) which is commonly know as the 'flesh eating' disease. Yummy. Well I don't have that but I have a mild strain of the first one and therefore my GP has put me on these blasted pills that are making me so very sleepy during the day but wide awake when darkness falls *cue eerie music*

So yeah...i'm a bit annoyed about the fact that when I walk I rattle. Such is life.

****

Change of topic now.

MEN!
Yes.
We love to hate them don't we :D
I've gone off men recently. No doubt that will reverse itself in time. But for now let me just say that you men can be such a bunch of hedonistic, arrogant, presumptuous, ego focused players! Maybe it's just this area that I live in...maybe not. But you seem to be popping up more than usual in my life. Maybe I attract that kind of man because I give them a healthy dose of reality every now and then. Who knows. But if you do think you fulfill any of the above criteria and feel that you need to be shot down from your little cloud then please apply within.

****

So yeah...i'm off to new grounds in 12 days. Scary. But needed I feel.
It's not that I feel trapped or isolated by where I am presently; I just think I am in need of a change. I do regret leaving some people behind me, but where there are people i'll always make new friends and therefore I revel in the chance to expand my social circle and join a new community.

For now though I must try to ween myself off the screen and into bed, although this may prove slightly difficult. Wish me luck as I wish you happiness.

xxx

p.s i'm so digging the Salmon font :p

Resting Your Eyes...

"Daddy? Daaaaaaaddy?"
"Mmmm?"
"Don't go sleepybyes."
"I'm not...i'm resting my eyes."

How many times have I heard that one before?
There is a great danger in closing your eyes and thinking. That said sometimes it is necessary. I think that it only become dangerous when you know that you will, without a doubt, drift off to sleep. For example, when you are on a train and the journey is going to last for no more than 45 minutes and your stop is not the last. To fall asleep would be inadvisable indeed as it tempts the chance of you missing your stop and then having to pay a rather nasty fine of £20.

Other times falling asleep randomly can cause you other problems, like neck ache. There have been a few times, although I do try to avoid them, when I have fallen asleep at my desk or leaning over a book and the dull throb you receive when you first wake up is not something pleasant.

*****

Right! So i'm shattered at the moment. Completely and utterly knackered. I have been packing all day for a departure in *finds calender and counts* 18 days. Woah...i'm leaving home in 18 days. That's pretty scary if you ask me. I didn't actually think it was so soon. At least I know now. I leave for University pretty early as you can see. It all seems too fast. Sometimes I feel like this is what I've been waiting for, and other times I don't beleive that I am yet old enough to be going to Uni. Never the less the 11 boxes are sitting, happily packed up for the looming event and so I must get used to the fact that I shall be leaving the hugs and security of home behind.

I'm drifting upwards and leaving the comfort of living so close to LOndon behind. Manchester is a big place...and around 4 hours car journey away from home. But it's a new life for me to start and so I shall grasp it will gusto!

Time for me to contiue the packing process. God help me when it comes to clothes.

Keep Smiling
xxxxxxxxxxx

Pulling All Nighters

I don't think people plan to pull an all nighter until they actually have.

You sit there talking and talking or mucking around and doing crazy things and then suddenly it's light outside and someone mentions that they have to be up in 2 hours. You check the time and 'Hey!' it's 5.30am and the milkman is coming round.

Such a thing happened to me last night. As I am sure most people are aware it was results day yesterday. A magical day of happiness and utter misery. It's like the luck of the draw. Sometimes you win and other times you lose. I had no chance of losing but I still wanted to do well for prides sake. I managed this quite well :D

So in celebration I went to a party. It was a party where I knew the host and his brother but no one else! These kinds of parties can be the BEST kinds of parties as no one there has any pre-formed opinion of you and therefore you can almost make yourself up for an evening. Being a happy enough person in my own personality I didn't need to do this but anyway...I digress.

I hadnt consumed alcohol and I was still in a perfect frame of mind. Which was funnier I think than if i'd got drunk. Watching can be more amusing - plus you don't get the after effects. Ergh.

My only hangover lasted 72 hours. This was enough to put me off heavy drinking for LIFE! Shame :'(

So yes...anyway...

It got to 5 in the morning and I realised that I probably wasn't going to sleep much. I did infact manage to sleep for the hour and a half before a certain persons alarm went off. *sigh* but then crawled into their bed as it was far superior to mine and fell asleep for another few hours.

Now for some people this type of party is hell. No sleep, up in the morning still. Yet for me it marked one hell of a bash. There weren't many of us, about 10 i'd say and yet the company was stimulating and very fun. There wasn't much alcohol consumed (although there were other subsances around) *cough cough* and actually that made it better.

So i'm sitting here now, feeling like it's the morning because I got home and slept till 10pm. I'm drinking Diet Coke and wishing that sleeepiness would overcome me soon so that I might get back on track with my sleeping patterns. It's not going to happen I know but I ight as well try.

I realise i'm not updating this as often as I should. In fact it has been a whole month by my recollection. I do apologise. Once i'm at Uni i'm sure the sleepless nights will increase and you'll find me on here more. Not that anyone reads this surely.

But a vent or outlet of passion or just random tat is useful.

So i'll go now and count some llamas in the hope that i'll be sent to the sweet realms of sleep.

Adieu.

Self Esteem

Have you ever thought in your head that you must look okay and then caught a look at yourself in the mirror. Or the screen suddenly goes black on the TV and you see your reflection. You think to yourself 'Is that really me?'

I try so hard to look my best, which is pretty hard considering what I got lumped with. I'm good at using photography in my favour...you know like photoshop or just ajusting colours and sharpness to make me look better. But in actual fact if I took a bog standard picture of myself all you would ever see is a painted face.

And I need that paint or else I feel like i'll be judged.

It was floating round my mind last night as I lay in bed, feeling ill any way and so not 100%...but it floated around and I suddenly realised that I need to trade myself in for a new model.

Like take 2.

I want to start over. I want to reajust myself like on the SIMs. Lame I know but I still want to do that.

I'd not make myself into this perfect model type figure, of course not. I don't want that . But i'd like to remove some parts of me, some extra parts of me.

I'd change my hair and make it nicer. I'd remove some weight. I know most girls moan about that in their lives even if they are beautiful tanned and toned specimens. Well I'm not. I've been told I was pretty. I've been told I was beautiful. But it's not until you believe it in yourself that I think you can truely be deemed either of those. Because even if to some one i'm pretty I am ugly underneath because I don't believe.

I've been called Body Armor Becky before because I don't like compliments, and that's because I don't understand why people give them to me.

So I'm me.

And I still want to be me.

Just a better me.

I will most definitely not be able to sleep tonight. Alas. And I have tutoring tomorrow. Even more alas.

I tutor Japanese by the way. Not very well I think but it seems to help.

But I have 16 people galavanting around my house at the moment and therefore will be unable to sleep much. Oh shame.

Wish me luck :'(

Good Morning

So whenever I start something new up I post like crazy for a couple of days and then I forget about it for about a year and finally drag myself back. Oh joy is me.

So last night I finally managed to pull myself into bed at around 1.30 after doing a bit of tidying around the house. I then spent a good hour with fine liners and black pen doodling this pretty little flower picture...finally I got bored.

SLEEP!

But then I was so paranoid i'd not wake up in time to wash, get dressed, eat and make myself look vaguely respectable that I woke myself up ever half hour from 7.30 onwards.

I can't remember exactly what I dreamt about. All I know is that it involved a journey and a few nicely placed bushes for me to hide behind. Thank you imagination from saving me from bandits.

It's time now for me to go. Probably best before I start waffling.

This'll never work...

When I can't sleep I think of many things.

I can't sleep.

It's only 11.44pm I know. But I still know I'll not sleep.

I'm stupid and try to sleep during the day when I'm tired.

They tell you to sleep when you're tired or else your body will start to malfunction.
Mine didn't.

So I carried on. This means I now sleep late into the day, for a bit in the afternoon and never in the night. It all seems rather confusing but I suppose if I manage to do what I need to and survive then it's a way of life.

I used to try counting sheep when I was younger as this has been a long standing problem.
My problem is that I got emotionally attached to my sheep.

I'd name them. And then make up a life story. Now for some people this would do the trick and send them to sleep. For me it had the opposite effect.

So I don't count sheep any more.

I'm going to blog instead in the hope that I'll bore myself to sleep. Forgive me if this blog turns into a steady stream of hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh's this means that I've fallen asleep on the keyboard.